Lost You There...You There?...Okay, Good...So, Anyways...

So it seems I've been eaten whole by something...I don't know what...that kept me from blogging just about anything recently. Truth is, I've been working on me lately. I got back from that trip to Ohio (had a wonderful time, thank you for asking!) and, on a strange whim, signed up for SparkPeople.com. Since then, I've been on a high. Logging food, fitness, running around smiling at people. I'm sure the people in my office think I've gotten my prescription refilled finally, after 3.5 years, but really I just feel GOOD about myself. About what I'm doing. About who I am. It's a really nice feeling.

The one thing I DON'T feel good about is my senior project. Each senior must complete a "capstone" project. 25-30 pages, non-fiction or fiction. (Or a lesson plan for those Education majors...I'm kinda jealous about this...it seems a little easier to me, but what do I know?!) I know what I'm going to write...I just can't make myself do it. I can't make myself relive the most horrible part of my year so far when I worked my butt off ...you know what, this one calls for an ass...when I worked my ass off to get good scores on my GRE and in school, only to be turned down by 3/4 grad schools. All the while my profs are saying, "You'd be perfect for grad school!" or "You would make an awesome teacher!" and I feel like I'm letting THEM down, as well as myself. In a way, I expected 2 rejections, but OSU really broke my heart (yes, still) and I'm not sure if putting any of that on paper would:

A. Turn into a simple bitchfest, or something actually interesting.
B. Be anything anyone wanted to read.
C. Be really, really, really hard to get through, emotionally I mean.

So I've been avoiding it like the plague. I've written most of it in my head, refusing to take pen to paper, or finger to keyboard, I guess. Maybe the thought of writing out my failure scares me...hell if I know. But now it is due by Thursday and I HAVE to get it done...or I don't graduate...and I fail again..which, perhaps, subconsciously, is what I really want.

To hell with it...I'm sitting down and doing it tonight. I've got everything else done, so I'm making a go of it. (After my workout and a healthy dinner, of course.)

Leavin' On a Jet Plane...

...or maybe just a Honda...either way, I'm headed out of town in a matter of hours. Going to travel up to Ohio to see an old buddy from school. We've known each other since fourth grade and still haven't managed to kill/annoy/beat the crap out of one another. (Can you kill the crap out of someone...eww...didn't need that image in my head. Wow...)

As always, we have merely a vague notion of a "plan", but that's the best type of vacation for me. One of the only things my biological father did with me that I actually enjoyed was when he picked me up when I was around 16 from my mother's house. I got in the car (box) and he said, "Pick a direction." I didn't understand at first, but once I did and answered (north), off we went. We ended up at Put-in-Bay/Kelly's Island/Lake Erie. I don't remember everything we did, but that moment in the car is vivid as yesterday (more, probably).

On the one hand, I'm dreading the 2.5 hour drive by myself. On the other, well, it's just not here. No kids, no husband, no doing laundry or cleaning or work or even homework (that's right, I'm leaving my books here...well, most of them...I might take one...but I won't look at it!... too much.) How much trouble can one girl who is feeling a little lost right now get into? I guess we'll find out!

It's the Little Things

Main Bedroom Esther's House - Day (Early Morning)

Shane is standing next to the bed. The light from the hallway slants through the door and hits him at an angle illuminating his face while the rest of his body remains in shadow.

Shane

"Honey? It's time to wake up."

Esther slowly opens her eyes and looks towards the source of sound. She sees Shane standing above her.

Esther

"Huh?"

Shane

"I said it's time to wake up. It's 6:30."

Esther groans in disgust and rolls over, pushing her face into the pillow. A stifled whine comes from the direction of her head.

Shane

"I went grocery shopping."

Esther looks confused, and then a small smile forms on her face. She tries to hide the smile and turns to look at Shane.

Esther

"You did what?"

Shane

"I went grocery shopping."

Esther

"Uhm...you're weird."

Shane

"I got you lunch and dinner is already in the crockpot."

Esther

"What?"

Shane

"I said that I got you lunch - it's a sandwich from the deli at Kroger. It's good! And I already put dinner in the crockpot."

Esther

"Oh."

Esther pauses, frowns.

Esther (continues)

"But I don't get to have dinner tonight."

Shane

"Yes you do. There will be some left over when you get home tonight."

Esther

(begrudgingly)

"Yeah, at like midnight."

Shane stares at her in silence, a small smile on his face.

Esther

"Can I just have like 5 more minutes of sleep though?"

Shane steps over to the alarm clock and pushes a few buttons without saying a word. He turns to Esther.

Shane

"That's going to go off in 5 minutes."

Shane exits the room.

Blog-O-Sphere

I've been doing a bit ...okay a lot of surfing lately on various blogs and have run across some really random, hilarious, insightful, thought-provoking, quarky, and all-around good people (I think...I mean, how well do you know someone through their blog?). It got me thinking about why I even started a blog in the first place.

For the past few months it seems to have been a place to rant and rave about the troubles in my everyday life. I admit it...it's been a regular bitch-fest up in here lately. But how can you fault a girl dealing with as much as I am on a regular basis?

Other times I use this space to mention funny things I've seen/heard/been a part of throughout the day. We all have these moments, when the 2 old guys and 1 old woman with the Jesus sticker on the back of their beat up Chevy flips you off and cuts you off for going no more than 70 in a 60mph zone, or when your prim and proper French teacher busts out with the only curse word you really know (merde), or when your 10 year old tells your 7 year old "You have issues, dude!" and your 7 year old merely looks at him, smiles and says "We all do." It is in these moments that you think to yourself - Ha! Who can I share that with? Who would laugh/cry/scream [insert appropriate desired emotion here]? Sometimes just telling my husband isn't enough, so I put it here (or at least that's the thought when I started this).

But I think the best part of blogging in general is that it can be used for anything and everything. What works for one doesn't work for another. Some of the blogs I follow review fashion and beauty tips (yep, sometimes I'm just a girly girl down at heart, try Is This Real Life? or RedPoppy Fashion). Some recount those funny tales I've been talking about (seriously, if you haven't read The Sassy Curmudgeon yet, you're really missing out). There's even one on politics from my favorite Political Science professor in the world - The Bare Knuckled Pundit! It's nice to know that when everything in my life is falling apart, I can get my news, my fashion tips, AND quippy comebacks right here on Blogspot.

Oh, and for those who think it'd be cool to see what a 8-year-old and a 10-year-old might blog about ...sometimes yes, sometimes no...usually no... ( Logan's Blog and Ethan's Blog ).

Lit Crit Paper 3 prompts

For those of you who can't log into WVSU's website and still need the paper prompts...here ya go!

PAPER III

Paper topics: It is your choice how you choose to deal with a specific topic. You do not necessarily have to respond to all of the ideas in the prompt, but I should clearly sense that you’re dealing with the general issues of a given topic.

1. Discuss the ways that the excerpt of de Beauvoir’s essay on the Eternal Feminine reflects some of the general concerns of post-structuralism. Consider the critique of essentialism and the challenge to the way that men and women are defined in terms of a binary opposition. Your sources will be the de Beauvoir essay and my hand-out on structuralism and post-structuralism. You can cite the hand-out.

2. This paper will explore the way that de Beauvoir’s ideas about the treatment of women reflect the existentialist principle that a person is defined by her or his actions. Look at the passages where she discusses the inactive, dependent role of women. How does this, in a sense, keep a woman from existing? Also consider the way that the myth of WOMAN (as an unchanging, timeless essence) adds to the problem.

3. Develop a paper on Bordo’s notion that anorexia (and/or agoraphobia and hysteria) make female bodies the site of an “unconscious protest” against traditional female roles and expectations? How does this protest operate? At the same time, how is this protest “counterproductive” and “tragically self-defeating? (2371). (Remember that Bordo reads the body as a sort of text upon which cultural values are inscripted; she interprets the various meanings of this text.)

4. Discuss Bordo’s claim that contemporary women are asked to embody contradictory “virtues,” in the sense that they are asked to be simultaneously “masculine” and “feminine.” According to Bordo, how is this demand communicated in contemporary culture? Why does it put women in a “double bind?” (2368). How do female bodies reflect the struggle to fulfill impossible demands? (Remember that Bordo reads the body as a sort of text upon which cultural values are inscripted; she interprets the various meanings of this text.)

5. Use ideas from either de Beauvoir or Bordo to make a brief commentary on a text or artwork. Choose one critic or the other. For example, you might look at a painting that perpetuates the myth of the Eternal Feminine in some way (woman as mystery, woman as praying mantis, etc.). Or you might take an image from a magazine and discuss the way it demonstrates the contradictory demands placed upon women (Bordo). In any case, you need to develop and explain the idea from the critical text and then apply it to your choice of text or artwork. You can also use “The Sphinx Without a Secret” if you would like, offering a brief commentary through the critical lens of either de Beauvoir or Bordo.

Formal Expectations:

1. Your paper needs to have a thesis in the introductory paragraph. The thesis needs to state the main point you will develop in your paper.
2. The goal of your paper is to present a careful understanding of the material. You can challenge the material if you would like, but such challenges need to be based on a clear understanding. And the short length of this paper will require you to spend most of your time developing this understanding.
3. You should outline your paper and stick to a structure. Paragraphs should be well-developed (more than a few sentences without a clear topic), with examples to support your points. Your paper should feel well-crafted and carefully planned.
4. Cite the text in your paper, rather than relying on generalizations. Vague points without support lack strength and specificity. At the same time, use brief quotes, since this paper is so short. You can just put the page number in parentheses, since we’re all using the same book (ex. Plato explains, “Art is worthless” (38).).
5. This is not a research paper. Your paper should depend upon class materials. If you feel the need to refer to something not in the class material, you must properly cite it. Anything that does not come from your own head must be cited.

Other requirements:

1. 12-point, double-spaced, Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins
2. 2-3 pages (less than 2 will hurt your grade)
3. Indicate the topic number in your heading

What constitutes plagiarism?

1. Cut-and-pasting from one or many sources, or minimally changing words and structure (even if you cite the source)
2. Re-phrasing an argument or statement from another source (even if it’s not word-for word)
3. Looking up background information from a source and failing to cite where you got this information; for example, do not look something about Plato up on the internet, learn about it, and write down what you learned as if it came from your own head (if you do any research, you need to give credit to the source by citing it)

Turning in your paper on Web-CT (there will not be physical papers):

1. Go to the proper discussion heading (Paper I), compose a message and put your name in the subject: McConnell Paper I.
2. Attach your paper in Microsoft Word or Rich Text Format. If you do not use Microsoft Office, you will need to post it in a generic format (like RTF), or to submit your assignment from a school computer.
3. After posting, click “update listing” at the top of the discussion board. You should check to see that your post is on the board, with an attached paper (it should have a paperclip icon next to it).

Tummy-Twister

Today, April 9, 2010, I have submitted my first resume and cover letter to a major publishing house in New York City.

That is all.

Oh, and I think I might throw up.


....

BTW - No, I don't expect to hear anything from this company. Yes, I will apply again (I technically qualify for about a dozen current position openings). Yes, I realize it is in New York (but I can live within commute distance and be alright). Yes, the family is aware that I am doing this (and, no, they don't hate me for it). And, no, I do not have illusions of grandeur, just a desperation which forces me to apply for anything and everything I qualify for, from the exciting to the mundane, from dream to deign.

Confusion is the Name of the Game

There I was, minding my own business, attempting to hold a meeting that only 3 people showed up for when I was approached by one of my professors.

Him: "Have you heard from any graduate programs yet?"
Me: "Yes, I have actually."
Him: "And?"
Me: "I'm not going."
Him: (disappointed face) "They made a mistake."

It felt good to be acknowledged for my achievements from a professor I respect. He then proceeded to encourage me to apply again to more, especially to his Alma mater, Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Apparently he has an in at the University which could help me receive the acceptance I've been looking for.

Rewind to two hours before when I was at the job fair speaking with communication and media companies and was encouraged to apply for a news production position. I was thrilled at the prospect of new job opportunities and hopeful, once again and finally, for the future.

So I told my professor that I was looking at jobs and he kept pressing grad school.

Him: "You would be a great teacher! I know that. Don't give up on it."

So, I checked out IUP (my children would add a C - ICUP) and they have rolling admissions, which means I could apply now and may end up with an acceptance letter after all. So, do I apply to grad school again or do I continue with my plans for new jobs? Do I do both at the same time? Could I take the rejection if a supposed "sure thing" rejected me as well? I'm confused right now and still don't know what to do. Going to sleep on it, I suppose.

To Do

It's my never-ending ritual of insomnia thanks to the LONG list of things I need/want to do. So I wake up and try to write everything down so I can get it out of my head and (hopefully) sleep soundly.

To Do:
- Check with intern about cases she's working on
- Grab more cases to intake
- Finish resumes, including (most importantly) a general one for the job fair
- Build portfolio with writing and design samples for handing out to possible employers
- Call/e-mail Dave and/or Danny about profiling "up-and-coming" filmmakers from State
- Call/e-mail Molly about possible artists to profile
- Think up possible names for Zine (Cover Your Arts, Artsing Around, Consider This)
- Add zine to resume
- Research companies attending the job fair
- Stop calling it a job fair, it's a career fair
- Deposit check
- Pick up stuff for potluck Thursday meeting
- Put up signs for Thursday's meeting
- Check with DW about Thursday's meeting
- Check Uni of SC status (yet again)
- Workout
- Send back RSVP for Kat & Warner's wedding...make travel plans too

Now's the fun part...I think I'm done so I'll go back to bed and inevitably remember at least 2 other things that should be on this list...

Creating New Plans

I have a message for Mr. Langston Hughes....you want to know what happens to a dream deferred? All of the above, baby!

Your trusty "Jill-of-all-trades" here has been turned down by 3 out of 4 graduate schools and is still awaiting word on the final choice. It has been a difficult journey. I fought so hard to do everything "right," to follow all the "you should do THIS" advice I got about getting into graduate school while many of the people around me floundered and festered and finally submitted an application on the deadline day. Turns out, overplanning can lead to a huge sense of failure when things don't turn out the way you (or anyone else around you) hoped!

I spent a few weeks brooding, crying, cursing whoever was in charge, and feeling like a Loser with a big L...systematically, although unconsciously, I went through the stages of grief because my bubble had been popped and I felt like I had been dumped by a boyfriend I never even had a chance to do fun things with... I didn't know what to do, but I held on for dear life hoping the wave of grief would pass. I can honestly say that it is no longer a wave. There are still ripples now and again, but for the most part, I'm doing what I know best - Head up, chest out, face forward and Onward....

I scrapped the old plans (or at least plan A, as I always had plans B, C, and D in my head from day one...I have a tendancy to expect disappointment) and have begun making new ones.

Step 1: Apply to jobs in publishing.
Let's face it...this is my ideal place to be. If I can't get rich quick on a novel in my own words (I'll work on this in the background, but I can't rely on this silly scheme for the future...not with kids banking on me making money so they can eat), I'd like to watch other authors achieve this same dream. I want to discover new talent and watch it (maybe even help it!) grow into something brilliant. I want to run in those circles and feel like I have a place to stand there. I'd be alright with anything from editorial to public relations, maybe even advertising/marketing. I could also do some sort of product development for online content and new ventures. Basically, the goal is to apply to anything I'm remotely interested in and that I qualify for with my degree and experience.

Step 2: Apply to newspapers.
I've already submitted one resume for a full-time reporter job. I know the pay is horrible, but at least I'd be writing and getting in there...maybe I could make a name for myself in journalism...who knows? I do know that I've got over a year's experience reporting now, and I know I'm capable of doing a good job at it...I just need the opportunity to develop my skills and I could be great. (*gulp*)

Step 3: State jobs.
If all else fails, the day I graduate I look for a promotion with the state. I've already got a foot in the door, and maybe I could work my way up into some management positions with my degree. Not the ideal placement, but it's more money that can hold me over until my real life really starts.

Step 4: Apply again.
Yep, today I decided (I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks, though) that if nothing else pans out, I will once again make a list and apply to graduate schools again next year. I will use the summer off to study, take the GREs again and get a rockin' new score, and then apply again, and again, and again...because, damnit, I will be Dr. E one day...just try and stop me! (While I'm working this angle, I'll keep writing...maybe I'll get a book deal about my failures and it will be a huge and hilarious success and I'll get awarded some honorary doctorate and not even have to work for it! Wouldn't that be a real hoot?!)

So yep, I have a plan once again...and that, in itself, settles me. Finish this year - onwards and upwards. There's still time to make 2010 my best year yet!

Apple Has Taken a Bite Out of Me

...I'm dreaming of apples...seriously. I have never been one to get caught up in the hype of the latest new craze, especially if involved a giant cut-out version of a fruit. I never owned an iPod, not even a Shuffle. I didn't go get an iPhone last year when everyone else was getting theirs and I was up for a cell phone upgrade. The juicy, delicious did not entice me with their Mac Books or iTunes or any of that garbage...that was, until now.



But then I touched an iPhone and I felt a sudden twinge in my heart. I loved being able to push and pull the page around on the screen, the power of finger manipulation of this little genius toy succombed to every desire I ever had for electronics. We've all done it....*gulp*...kicked or beat or even coaxed with gentle words, our electronics into submission. We've blown in the ends of our Ninetendo cartridges, hand rolled the cassette tape back, or even smacked the old CRT monitors or television sets upside the head to get the scrolling bars to stop scrolling. It sent a sort of power within us, to smack the thing and have it magically respond, as if our discipline had made it change its ways and it was now trying to be a "good little boy/girl." We got frustrated with the 011010101 nonsense and we just wanted to get our hands on the little thing and shake it into submission. We've all pulled the roller balls out of our old mouse and taken a toothpick to the little pieces inside, just trying to clean the dirt in order to get the little cursor to move precisely where we wanted it to be, wishing we didn't have to mess with the hand-eye coordination of the thing to begin with. So when Jobs enticed me with this touchscreen technology, I resisted originally because the idea was so foreign (and there's so many fingerprints on my phone already, and I'm not even touching it on purpose!!!).



But I touched that little iPhone and I felt like the medical officer on the Starship Enterprise. I felt like some secret spy in a high tech lab, moving case files and crime scene photos around with my finger pointed at the wall, touch and drag style. And I realized that dreams do come true, and fingerprints don't much matter in the grand scheme of things. Each day after my first encounter, I found myself wanting more. I screamed at my cell phone for being completely inadequate. I found myself moving my finger from right to left on my camera's LCD screen, only to see a smudge across the same picture I had just been viewing. I fought the urge, resisted the temptation if only for my need to keep all the money I had saved safely tucked away in the bank. I wasn't due for another upgrade until June, and I was sure as hell not going to pay full price for anything! I was a bargain shopper, damnit!



And then Jobs found my weakness. He combined my desire (and resistance to) for the Kindle, a digital photoframe (which I would never pay 100 for when I can 10 of the dollar frames and just line them up one after the other on my desk, space to work be damned!), a music player like the iPod, and a mini notebook computer, ....along with my newfound desire for that shiny new iPhone...in a neat, compact little package. (Mommy like! Mommy want! Daddy agree!) Add to that my insane desire to want something new first, or not at all...(I would hate to conform to mass society and be a part of the trend...at least that's what I tell everyone!)...and I find myself shopping on Apple's site once a day, adding to the shopping cart in my head all the little apple shaped shiny things I want! Now, the real question is...will I actually break down and buy the damned thing? And...if I do...will I still want that upgrade to an iPhone in June?



Steve has done it...and I'm a little bitter to be converted in such a sneaky way!...but I'm a convert just the same...

No News is This News

Months ago I spent more money than I had to apply to only four graduate schools. I picked two dream schools and two schools that I thought I had a good chance of getting into. My list was as follows:

Yale - in hopes of earning a PhD in English
Brown - for their Literary Arts MA program
OSU - because Ohio is still home
Uni of SC - I had my reasons, it's south, it's different, it's not huge, SC is in need of teachers...etc.

Last Friday I got an email from Yale letting me know that I had not been excepted into their program. They let people down easy, giving you some statistics (over 10,000 applicants) to soften the blow.

Now, as much as I expected to NOT get into Yale...it has been a dream of mine for longer than I can remember. When I visited the campus with my family last year the dream took on a new life because I could see myself in those old buildings. I knew it would be difficult...more difficult than I could even imagine because it's a league so far above my own. But I also knew that I would fight for it no matter what happened. So when the letter came, the letter I had expected but hoped against, I felt a hole grow inside me. Over the next few days the hole grew. It was difficult to get out of bed. It was difficult to function. I had no inspiration. I was done. I had worked so damn hard for so long, pushing myself towards a singular dream...and there it went in a matter of seconds without a second thought. All of the dreams I had about living so close to New York City, taking the train in on a Saturday just to window shop, working out by loving life and walking down the streets of Manhattan, grabbing a show with a friend on Broadway...all gone. Goodbye. To tell you the truth, my heart is completely broken.

Shane hugged me and told me that it was alright. He told me I could try again next year. He told me that there was still Brown, and OSU, and SC. He told me all the right things, and I tried to listen.

I woke up this morning feeling better, and then got the letter from Brown. They don't soften the blow as much...within two words you know it is over. "We regret..."

What can I do? I can now say that I will not be living in New England, like I dreamed of when I was a little girl...or whenever I dreamed of it. So...now what? Do I go with OSU or SC? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll feel better if and when they send me acceptance letters. Maybe they'll both say no, or maybe they'll say yes but the funding won't be available for me (lord knows I really can't afford grad school).

Yesterday evening/night, Kathryn told me that the paper is hiring full-time. A window, I suppose. I'll take it. I'll move on to plan B. I will send resumes to every major newspaper in the country. I'll send resumes to every publishing house I can find info on the internet for. I'll figure out how to move on because I can't stand still here. Without this dream, these last three years would have been hell...I'm realizing that now. So it's time for a new dream, or for an expansion of the old one. Maybe I will work towards applying again next year. I'll study more, get a better score on my GRE Lit test, maybe the other GRE test as well. I'll apply so many damn times in a row someone will have to take notice.

My entire life I've had to fight for everything except my grades (because I seem to be good at school...). I will continue to fight....because I have to...because I don't know anything else.

Watch out world...here comes Esther...rocking the professional world and knocking it on its ass!

Every Way Out but In

So, I made a mistake. That's the general consensus at work now. I acted upon instructions before double-checking their accuracy. My boss changed her mind and it was too late for me to stop the action from taking place. I will admit that it was I, somehow, that caused this error. Halfway through the action I stopped and wondered if I shouldn't verify, but it was too late to reverse the previous few actions. (Let me sum it up...boss says "Call A, B, C, D, and E." The next morning, I do call A, B, C, and then before I do D, I think...I better make sure she still wants this. She wanted me to take back B and C, but it was too late. (A, somehow, was fine to do. See how confusing this is?) C didn't really affect anything, but B did. And now the only topic of conversation is how I did B and that wasn't what she wanted.)

So now I've put countless hours and effort into a project that, I fear, will only be remembered for my 'faults.' I've done the best I could to keep everything sane. I guess I did the wrong thing. I'm not sure how doing what you're told is wrong, but I should have known if it was something I liked it must've been wrong...or something like that. I have no clue. I'm confused as hell and upset beyond recognition. I should be on a high...this is the week! Just days until the event. But all I can think is, "Which way to get the hell out of here?" I want to crawl under a rock because I'm afraid I've failed in my effort to make this year the best of all previous years. I tried to hard maybe...took too much initiative...was too efficient. Sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut and check 3 times before completing a task?

I don't know...I just know this isn't how I wanted my week to start.

Tips for Surviving Groundhog Day

FYI - I don't have any tips, I'm searching for some....

So it's a curious case of weather outside lately, and between my completely overscheduled life and the never-changing, never-ceasing snowy weather beating against my bedroom window each morning and night, I feel like Bill Murray.

This morning I spent 20 minutes in the shower crying, no...make that sobbing, saying "when will something change? Why must it always be the same day after day after day after day?" I was a total and complete wreck of a human being. While I'm feeling much better now, I still have to reflect that each day is running into the next with little to make a difference. Last Monday? I think it might've snowed. And it was cold...I remember that part. The next day it must've definately snowed. And it was really cold. Wednesday? Snow. Cold. Thursday? Snow. Cold. *sigh* And while the kids are rejoicing because they haven't been to school for at least a week, maybe a week and a half now (see the vagueness...I really don't remember), I'm going through the everyday motions of life.

I'm usually the kind of person who prefers a little change (note, I said a little) from time to time. I love the change of seasons (hell, I used to love snow...CURED!) just as much as I used to love rearranging my bedroom every few months. I like to buy a new shirt for the new season. I like to get my hair cut in seasonal swings. I like to change my bedsheet pattern now and again as well. I just can't help it. Too much of the same thing and I get VERY bored. But, since January? Little to no change. Whatsoever. At All. EVER. I'm starting to think I'm stuck in some Groundhog Day situation, but I don't get to relive the same day over and over, but the same week.

Since January I've been waiting for college (grad school) replies.
Since January I've been working 40 hours a week, attending 15 hours worth of classes, and fitting homework in wherever possible.
Since January I haven't been out with my friends.
Since January (maybe December) I haven't seen my mother. (This is VERY hard for me!)
Since January I've maintained the same weight (although I've made countless start and stop efforts to start a diet but find no motivation to decrease my insulation layer when it's still so damn cold outside!).
Since January I've been needing a haircut.
Since January I've needed a new pair of shoes and a couple new chains for presents I've gotten. (Actually, I got the second one this month, but just added the need for a chain for that one to the list of my needed other chain, so nothing really changed.)
Since January (actually before) I've been dealing with plans for our annual big event at work. (Which puts me in party planner mode, which I can't escape from until February 26th...if I'm lucky!)
Since January I've been waiting. Waiting for graduation. Waiting on those damn letters. Waiting on some change to come!! (And please spare me your dopey John Mayer reference! That song is old too...I need something new!)

I'm begging to whatever powerful being can make it happen (I'm beyond hope that I'll pick the right one and fear, instead, that I will be ranting and raving to the man next to the man in charge who can't do a damn thing about my problem) -- PLEASE! STOP THE SNOW! I need a sunny day! I need a cool breeze, not a slap you in the face winter bluster! I need to know that we will eventually be released from the endless winter we seem to have been plunged headlong into! HELP! S-O-S!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!

*runs around waving her arms in the air and screaming*

Pants on the Ground and Other Things That'll Have You Lookin' Like a Fool

Okay, I'll admit it - I watch American Idol. *gasp!* I usually end up trying to catch most of the audition phase, Hollywood week, and the elimination into the top 12. After that, my attention tends to wane. I make my predictions early on, and then wait to see if I'm right. (Sometimes I even watch the finale, though most times I just check the news or websites the next day/week.) I've only voted for someone once...and I felt dirty/stupid after doing it.

Every once in a while during auditions you get someone who is completely crazy and, in that regard, completely memorable...at least for a little while. We had the old gentleman sometime back who sang to his dead wife, or about his dead wife, or for his dead wife. (I remember him vaguely.) We had that William Hung guy, whose celebrity, I firmly believe, was extended less because of his singing (in)ability than because of his name, which lended to plenty of sexual innuendo laden jokes. (DUH!) This year, it was a 62 year old man singing his own song, "Pants on the Ground."

If you haven't seen his version of the song, you really should. (Check YouTube...it's not hard to find.) Not because I think he's awful and, therefore, fun to make fun of. Definately not because his singing or even his song are spectacular. But because it shows a 62 year old man doing push-ups, spinning, and even doing the splitz (sort of) TWICE! While most seniors are worried about moving too fast or "jerky" because it might cause a hip to break or fracture, this man is rocking it out...and singing too! Anyhow, in this vein, I've decided I'm going to create my Top 7 (because that's all I could think of right now) List of things that will make you look like a fool (in addition to having/wearing your pants on the ground, wearing gold teeth, or turning your hat sideways, as our wonderful "General" has already pointed out.) Some are serious, most are just fun, mostly related to quirky fashions of today that most of us wish would quickly go out of style.

Top 7 Things That'll Have You Lookin' Like a Fool
(in the order that I thought of them)

1. Crocs. I don't care if you think they're "uber comfy," you look like a complete idiot wearing a completely respectable outfit with your neon pink, plastic shoes yelling, "Look at me! Made you look!" If you are over the age of about 4, and if you don't already dress in an eclectic (some would say "arty") style you look like a complete idiot who is incapable of making a rational decision about fashion and chooses to blindly follow the mass of idiots around you.

2. Wearing inappropriate clothing to school. There are two subcategories to this one. A) You dress to the nines to come to class. B) You wear your PJs.

If you fall into the A category, I simply have to wonder how long it took you to get prepared for a 60 minute lecture on the basics of biology, whether you had time, in between hair and eyelash curler to even read the work assigned, and what exactly you intend to gain from your "clubbin'" outfit in class? A better grade from the prof? The attention of boys? I don't care what it is, you look rediculous. You can look pulled together and even pretty/stylish/beautiful without a pound and a half of makeup and your rhinestone studded stilleto boots. I

f you fall into the B category, however, you will have no hopes of either finding a man or being taken seriously. It takes five minutes to throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Add another three to five minutes and you can put on foundation, blush and mascara and look like you intended to be awake today.

These both also, and, I think even more so, apply to high school and junior high students.

3. Carrying the wrong sized handbag for your shape. I firmly believe (and I am a big girl, so I can stand behind this), that fat girls should not carry teeny-tiny handbags. In the reverse, I believe if you are stick thin, carrying a bag that you look like your could squeeze yourself into and still have room for your little brother is completely rediculous. You either look off balance or you accentuate your size. I don't care whether you're fat or skinny, accentuating your size with the use of a handbag is just plain stupid. Buy a bag that fits you, that looks right on your arm or shoulder, and please, for the sake of everything that is holy, don't let it have rhinestones or be silver unless you're headed out for a night on the town. (A little flashy clutch at the grocery store is just silly.)

4. Joking or criticizing or flaunting the amount of money someone gives to charity. When I was a child I was taught to respect one another. I was also taught that you don't ask a woman's age/weight or how much someone spent on something. These issues were personal and, therefore, off limits. So why is it important to you whether some celebrity sent 10,000 to the Red Cross while another sent 100,000? It is really none of your business. And if you are said celebrity bragging (or allowing your PR firm to brag for you) about how much money you gave to Katrina victims or Salvation Army or the Haiti Relief Fund, just stop. Humility was also taught in my day, and I believe many of you are actually older than me. Let your donations be personal, and let others alone about theirs. You can tell how good/right/just/generous a person is by their actions, not by how much money they donate to charity. If I know that Joe Bob participated in the Civil Rights marches, I know that he is a good man...him telling me that he gave the last 20 dollars he had to charity because he saw someone in need is not going to further influence my decision/judgment.

5. Judging or teasing someone because of their physical attributes. In my day we called this bullying; it didn't matter if you were 15 or 55. Teasing someone because they were different has never been okay. Just stop. This includes the new form of bullying which is done electronically. Words hurt just as much when they're read as when they are heard. Ask anyone who has ever had "For a good time, call XXXX" written about them on the stall of the bathroom at a school/bar/nightclub.

6. Asking someone, or criticizing someone, for their sexual orientation. Yes, I know, it's against your religion. Whatever, I'm fine with that... but your religion is just that, YOURS. That does not mean that you can enforce those beliefs upon someone else. You can give them what you consider are "the facts" according to their religion, but you can never make them believe. That being said, when has it ever, and I mean EVER, been appropriate to go up to a girl and say "Do you have sex with men?" In the same regard, asking a person, "Are you gay?" is off-limits in my book. If you aren't going to call a girl a slut or whore to her face, then you shouldn't call a girl a dyke or fag to her face either. (And if you do go around calling girls sluts and whores, then I don't even want to know you.)

7. Wearing socks with your sandals. I don't care who you are or who told you it was okay...if your little toes are cold, then wear some damn shoes that cover them. Simple. Easy. When it is 50 degrees outside, especially if they are calling for rain, I leave my sandals at home. (There's not much worse than the way your feet smell after getting them wet and walking around on wet, soggy sandals all day. EWW!) It's simple, if you think your feet might be cold, pick up the sneakers instead. If you think they'll be just fine (and you have a good pedicure...please don't bring snaggle-foot out to play!), go for the sandals. There...I've said my bit on that.

Just Shoot Me

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I absolutely hate this saying. I don't know why, but I do. It is true that I can make the decisions today that could make or break my future. I could take a step towards something new and exciting, or I could take a step back and abandon my hopes and dreams for a chance to breathe. Still, I can't help but feel like taking this approach is leaving the life I've lived before today behind.

That being said, today was the first day of my final semester at West Virginia State University. Today was absolute hell. From work to school to work to school to work, I spent more time driving today then anything else. An hour to work, another 20 minutes (give or take to school), 20+ again, 20+ again, and another hour. It does not need to be said that I am completely exhausted. Several times today I've thought to myself, "What the HELL are you doing? You're going to kill yourself! Is it even worth it?" And then the writing prompt came, and the introductions came, and I realized that I've got my crap together, and that's a bonus for most college students. Dr. BP tells everyone, "You'll think you have more free time after you graduate, but you don't." In my case, I beg to differ.

I have no idea what's going to happen after I graduate (our writing prompt from Senior Seminar), but I know I'm doing everything I can today to make it a better life than what I'm currently living. Seventeen weeks. That's all I have left - 17 long weeks, 5 more classes and then I'm done. I'm sure I'll feel better if and/or when I get word about graduate school or hear from prospective employers, but for right now I'm living for these 17 weeks. Today is the first day of the rest of my life? Right now I think it's the first day of my next 17 weeks, my last 17 weeks of college at WVSU.