Lost You There...You There?...Okay, Good...So, Anyways...

So it seems I've been eaten whole by something...I don't know what...that kept me from blogging just about anything recently. Truth is, I've been working on me lately. I got back from that trip to Ohio (had a wonderful time, thank you for asking!) and, on a strange whim, signed up for SparkPeople.com. Since then, I've been on a high. Logging food, fitness, running around smiling at people. I'm sure the people in my office think I've gotten my prescription refilled finally, after 3.5 years, but really I just feel GOOD about myself. About what I'm doing. About who I am. It's a really nice feeling.

The one thing I DON'T feel good about is my senior project. Each senior must complete a "capstone" project. 25-30 pages, non-fiction or fiction. (Or a lesson plan for those Education majors...I'm kinda jealous about this...it seems a little easier to me, but what do I know?!) I know what I'm going to write...I just can't make myself do it. I can't make myself relive the most horrible part of my year so far when I worked my butt off ...you know what, this one calls for an ass...when I worked my ass off to get good scores on my GRE and in school, only to be turned down by 3/4 grad schools. All the while my profs are saying, "You'd be perfect for grad school!" or "You would make an awesome teacher!" and I feel like I'm letting THEM down, as well as myself. In a way, I expected 2 rejections, but OSU really broke my heart (yes, still) and I'm not sure if putting any of that on paper would:

A. Turn into a simple bitchfest, or something actually interesting.
B. Be anything anyone wanted to read.
C. Be really, really, really hard to get through, emotionally I mean.

So I've been avoiding it like the plague. I've written most of it in my head, refusing to take pen to paper, or finger to keyboard, I guess. Maybe the thought of writing out my failure scares me...hell if I know. But now it is due by Thursday and I HAVE to get it done...or I don't graduate...and I fail again..which, perhaps, subconsciously, is what I really want.

To hell with it...I'm sitting down and doing it tonight. I've got everything else done, so I'm making a go of it. (After my workout and a healthy dinner, of course.)

Leavin' On a Jet Plane...

...or maybe just a Honda...either way, I'm headed out of town in a matter of hours. Going to travel up to Ohio to see an old buddy from school. We've known each other since fourth grade and still haven't managed to kill/annoy/beat the crap out of one another. (Can you kill the crap out of someone...eww...didn't need that image in my head. Wow...)

As always, we have merely a vague notion of a "plan", but that's the best type of vacation for me. One of the only things my biological father did with me that I actually enjoyed was when he picked me up when I was around 16 from my mother's house. I got in the car (box) and he said, "Pick a direction." I didn't understand at first, but once I did and answered (north), off we went. We ended up at Put-in-Bay/Kelly's Island/Lake Erie. I don't remember everything we did, but that moment in the car is vivid as yesterday (more, probably).

On the one hand, I'm dreading the 2.5 hour drive by myself. On the other, well, it's just not here. No kids, no husband, no doing laundry or cleaning or work or even homework (that's right, I'm leaving my books here...well, most of them...I might take one...but I won't look at it!... too much.) How much trouble can one girl who is feeling a little lost right now get into? I guess we'll find out!

It's the Little Things

Main Bedroom Esther's House - Day (Early Morning)

Shane is standing next to the bed. The light from the hallway slants through the door and hits him at an angle illuminating his face while the rest of his body remains in shadow.

Shane

"Honey? It's time to wake up."

Esther slowly opens her eyes and looks towards the source of sound. She sees Shane standing above her.

Esther

"Huh?"

Shane

"I said it's time to wake up. It's 6:30."

Esther groans in disgust and rolls over, pushing her face into the pillow. A stifled whine comes from the direction of her head.

Shane

"I went grocery shopping."

Esther looks confused, and then a small smile forms on her face. She tries to hide the smile and turns to look at Shane.

Esther

"You did what?"

Shane

"I went grocery shopping."

Esther

"Uhm...you're weird."

Shane

"I got you lunch and dinner is already in the crockpot."

Esther

"What?"

Shane

"I said that I got you lunch - it's a sandwich from the deli at Kroger. It's good! And I already put dinner in the crockpot."

Esther

"Oh."

Esther pauses, frowns.

Esther (continues)

"But I don't get to have dinner tonight."

Shane

"Yes you do. There will be some left over when you get home tonight."

Esther

(begrudgingly)

"Yeah, at like midnight."

Shane stares at her in silence, a small smile on his face.

Esther

"Can I just have like 5 more minutes of sleep though?"

Shane steps over to the alarm clock and pushes a few buttons without saying a word. He turns to Esther.

Shane

"That's going to go off in 5 minutes."

Shane exits the room.

Blog-O-Sphere

I've been doing a bit ...okay a lot of surfing lately on various blogs and have run across some really random, hilarious, insightful, thought-provoking, quarky, and all-around good people (I think...I mean, how well do you know someone through their blog?). It got me thinking about why I even started a blog in the first place.

For the past few months it seems to have been a place to rant and rave about the troubles in my everyday life. I admit it...it's been a regular bitch-fest up in here lately. But how can you fault a girl dealing with as much as I am on a regular basis?

Other times I use this space to mention funny things I've seen/heard/been a part of throughout the day. We all have these moments, when the 2 old guys and 1 old woman with the Jesus sticker on the back of their beat up Chevy flips you off and cuts you off for going no more than 70 in a 60mph zone, or when your prim and proper French teacher busts out with the only curse word you really know (merde), or when your 10 year old tells your 7 year old "You have issues, dude!" and your 7 year old merely looks at him, smiles and says "We all do." It is in these moments that you think to yourself - Ha! Who can I share that with? Who would laugh/cry/scream [insert appropriate desired emotion here]? Sometimes just telling my husband isn't enough, so I put it here (or at least that's the thought when I started this).

But I think the best part of blogging in general is that it can be used for anything and everything. What works for one doesn't work for another. Some of the blogs I follow review fashion and beauty tips (yep, sometimes I'm just a girly girl down at heart, try Is This Real Life? or RedPoppy Fashion). Some recount those funny tales I've been talking about (seriously, if you haven't read The Sassy Curmudgeon yet, you're really missing out). There's even one on politics from my favorite Political Science professor in the world - The Bare Knuckled Pundit! It's nice to know that when everything in my life is falling apart, I can get my news, my fashion tips, AND quippy comebacks right here on Blogspot.

Oh, and for those who think it'd be cool to see what a 8-year-old and a 10-year-old might blog about ...sometimes yes, sometimes no...usually no... ( Logan's Blog and Ethan's Blog ).

Lit Crit Paper 3 prompts

For those of you who can't log into WVSU's website and still need the paper prompts...here ya go!

PAPER III

Paper topics: It is your choice how you choose to deal with a specific topic. You do not necessarily have to respond to all of the ideas in the prompt, but I should clearly sense that you’re dealing with the general issues of a given topic.

1. Discuss the ways that the excerpt of de Beauvoir’s essay on the Eternal Feminine reflects some of the general concerns of post-structuralism. Consider the critique of essentialism and the challenge to the way that men and women are defined in terms of a binary opposition. Your sources will be the de Beauvoir essay and my hand-out on structuralism and post-structuralism. You can cite the hand-out.

2. This paper will explore the way that de Beauvoir’s ideas about the treatment of women reflect the existentialist principle that a person is defined by her or his actions. Look at the passages where she discusses the inactive, dependent role of women. How does this, in a sense, keep a woman from existing? Also consider the way that the myth of WOMAN (as an unchanging, timeless essence) adds to the problem.

3. Develop a paper on Bordo’s notion that anorexia (and/or agoraphobia and hysteria) make female bodies the site of an “unconscious protest” against traditional female roles and expectations? How does this protest operate? At the same time, how is this protest “counterproductive” and “tragically self-defeating? (2371). (Remember that Bordo reads the body as a sort of text upon which cultural values are inscripted; she interprets the various meanings of this text.)

4. Discuss Bordo’s claim that contemporary women are asked to embody contradictory “virtues,” in the sense that they are asked to be simultaneously “masculine” and “feminine.” According to Bordo, how is this demand communicated in contemporary culture? Why does it put women in a “double bind?” (2368). How do female bodies reflect the struggle to fulfill impossible demands? (Remember that Bordo reads the body as a sort of text upon which cultural values are inscripted; she interprets the various meanings of this text.)

5. Use ideas from either de Beauvoir or Bordo to make a brief commentary on a text or artwork. Choose one critic or the other. For example, you might look at a painting that perpetuates the myth of the Eternal Feminine in some way (woman as mystery, woman as praying mantis, etc.). Or you might take an image from a magazine and discuss the way it demonstrates the contradictory demands placed upon women (Bordo). In any case, you need to develop and explain the idea from the critical text and then apply it to your choice of text or artwork. You can also use “The Sphinx Without a Secret” if you would like, offering a brief commentary through the critical lens of either de Beauvoir or Bordo.

Formal Expectations:

1. Your paper needs to have a thesis in the introductory paragraph. The thesis needs to state the main point you will develop in your paper.
2. The goal of your paper is to present a careful understanding of the material. You can challenge the material if you would like, but such challenges need to be based on a clear understanding. And the short length of this paper will require you to spend most of your time developing this understanding.
3. You should outline your paper and stick to a structure. Paragraphs should be well-developed (more than a few sentences without a clear topic), with examples to support your points. Your paper should feel well-crafted and carefully planned.
4. Cite the text in your paper, rather than relying on generalizations. Vague points without support lack strength and specificity. At the same time, use brief quotes, since this paper is so short. You can just put the page number in parentheses, since we’re all using the same book (ex. Plato explains, “Art is worthless” (38).).
5. This is not a research paper. Your paper should depend upon class materials. If you feel the need to refer to something not in the class material, you must properly cite it. Anything that does not come from your own head must be cited.

Other requirements:

1. 12-point, double-spaced, Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins
2. 2-3 pages (less than 2 will hurt your grade)
3. Indicate the topic number in your heading

What constitutes plagiarism?

1. Cut-and-pasting from one or many sources, or minimally changing words and structure (even if you cite the source)
2. Re-phrasing an argument or statement from another source (even if it’s not word-for word)
3. Looking up background information from a source and failing to cite where you got this information; for example, do not look something about Plato up on the internet, learn about it, and write down what you learned as if it came from your own head (if you do any research, you need to give credit to the source by citing it)

Turning in your paper on Web-CT (there will not be physical papers):

1. Go to the proper discussion heading (Paper I), compose a message and put your name in the subject: McConnell Paper I.
2. Attach your paper in Microsoft Word or Rich Text Format. If you do not use Microsoft Office, you will need to post it in a generic format (like RTF), or to submit your assignment from a school computer.
3. After posting, click “update listing” at the top of the discussion board. You should check to see that your post is on the board, with an attached paper (it should have a paperclip icon next to it).

Tummy-Twister

Today, April 9, 2010, I have submitted my first resume and cover letter to a major publishing house in New York City.

That is all.

Oh, and I think I might throw up.


....

BTW - No, I don't expect to hear anything from this company. Yes, I will apply again (I technically qualify for about a dozen current position openings). Yes, I realize it is in New York (but I can live within commute distance and be alright). Yes, the family is aware that I am doing this (and, no, they don't hate me for it). And, no, I do not have illusions of grandeur, just a desperation which forces me to apply for anything and everything I qualify for, from the exciting to the mundane, from dream to deign.

Confusion is the Name of the Game

There I was, minding my own business, attempting to hold a meeting that only 3 people showed up for when I was approached by one of my professors.

Him: "Have you heard from any graduate programs yet?"
Me: "Yes, I have actually."
Him: "And?"
Me: "I'm not going."
Him: (disappointed face) "They made a mistake."

It felt good to be acknowledged for my achievements from a professor I respect. He then proceeded to encourage me to apply again to more, especially to his Alma mater, Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Apparently he has an in at the University which could help me receive the acceptance I've been looking for.

Rewind to two hours before when I was at the job fair speaking with communication and media companies and was encouraged to apply for a news production position. I was thrilled at the prospect of new job opportunities and hopeful, once again and finally, for the future.

So I told my professor that I was looking at jobs and he kept pressing grad school.

Him: "You would be a great teacher! I know that. Don't give up on it."

So, I checked out IUP (my children would add a C - ICUP) and they have rolling admissions, which means I could apply now and may end up with an acceptance letter after all. So, do I apply to grad school again or do I continue with my plans for new jobs? Do I do both at the same time? Could I take the rejection if a supposed "sure thing" rejected me as well? I'm confused right now and still don't know what to do. Going to sleep on it, I suppose.