Lost You There...You There?...Okay, Good...So, Anyways...

So it seems I've been eaten whole by something...I don't know what...that kept me from blogging just about anything recently. Truth is, I've been working on me lately. I got back from that trip to Ohio (had a wonderful time, thank you for asking!) and, on a strange whim, signed up for SparkPeople.com. Since then, I've been on a high. Logging food, fitness, running around smiling at people. I'm sure the people in my office think I've gotten my prescription refilled finally, after 3.5 years, but really I just feel GOOD about myself. About what I'm doing. About who I am. It's a really nice feeling.

The one thing I DON'T feel good about is my senior project. Each senior must complete a "capstone" project. 25-30 pages, non-fiction or fiction. (Or a lesson plan for those Education majors...I'm kinda jealous about this...it seems a little easier to me, but what do I know?!) I know what I'm going to write...I just can't make myself do it. I can't make myself relive the most horrible part of my year so far when I worked my butt off ...you know what, this one calls for an ass...when I worked my ass off to get good scores on my GRE and in school, only to be turned down by 3/4 grad schools. All the while my profs are saying, "You'd be perfect for grad school!" or "You would make an awesome teacher!" and I feel like I'm letting THEM down, as well as myself. In a way, I expected 2 rejections, but OSU really broke my heart (yes, still) and I'm not sure if putting any of that on paper would:

A. Turn into a simple bitchfest, or something actually interesting.
B. Be anything anyone wanted to read.
C. Be really, really, really hard to get through, emotionally I mean.

So I've been avoiding it like the plague. I've written most of it in my head, refusing to take pen to paper, or finger to keyboard, I guess. Maybe the thought of writing out my failure scares me...hell if I know. But now it is due by Thursday and I HAVE to get it done...or I don't graduate...and I fail again..which, perhaps, subconsciously, is what I really want.

To hell with it...I'm sitting down and doing it tonight. I've got everything else done, so I'm making a go of it. (After my workout and a healthy dinner, of course.)