No News is This News

Months ago I spent more money than I had to apply to only four graduate schools. I picked two dream schools and two schools that I thought I had a good chance of getting into. My list was as follows:

Yale - in hopes of earning a PhD in English
Brown - for their Literary Arts MA program
OSU - because Ohio is still home
Uni of SC - I had my reasons, it's south, it's different, it's not huge, SC is in need of teachers...etc.

Last Friday I got an email from Yale letting me know that I had not been excepted into their program. They let people down easy, giving you some statistics (over 10,000 applicants) to soften the blow.

Now, as much as I expected to NOT get into Yale...it has been a dream of mine for longer than I can remember. When I visited the campus with my family last year the dream took on a new life because I could see myself in those old buildings. I knew it would be difficult...more difficult than I could even imagine because it's a league so far above my own. But I also knew that I would fight for it no matter what happened. So when the letter came, the letter I had expected but hoped against, I felt a hole grow inside me. Over the next few days the hole grew. It was difficult to get out of bed. It was difficult to function. I had no inspiration. I was done. I had worked so damn hard for so long, pushing myself towards a singular dream...and there it went in a matter of seconds without a second thought. All of the dreams I had about living so close to New York City, taking the train in on a Saturday just to window shop, working out by loving life and walking down the streets of Manhattan, grabbing a show with a friend on Broadway...all gone. Goodbye. To tell you the truth, my heart is completely broken.

Shane hugged me and told me that it was alright. He told me I could try again next year. He told me that there was still Brown, and OSU, and SC. He told me all the right things, and I tried to listen.

I woke up this morning feeling better, and then got the letter from Brown. They don't soften the blow as much...within two words you know it is over. "We regret..."

What can I do? I can now say that I will not be living in New England, like I dreamed of when I was a little girl...or whenever I dreamed of it. So...now what? Do I go with OSU or SC? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll feel better if and when they send me acceptance letters. Maybe they'll both say no, or maybe they'll say yes but the funding won't be available for me (lord knows I really can't afford grad school).

Yesterday evening/night, Kathryn told me that the paper is hiring full-time. A window, I suppose. I'll take it. I'll move on to plan B. I will send resumes to every major newspaper in the country. I'll send resumes to every publishing house I can find info on the internet for. I'll figure out how to move on because I can't stand still here. Without this dream, these last three years would have been hell...I'm realizing that now. So it's time for a new dream, or for an expansion of the old one. Maybe I will work towards applying again next year. I'll study more, get a better score on my GRE Lit test, maybe the other GRE test as well. I'll apply so many damn times in a row someone will have to take notice.

My entire life I've had to fight for everything except my grades (because I seem to be good at school...). I will continue to fight....because I have to...because I don't know anything else.

Watch out world...here comes Esther...rocking the professional world and knocking it on its ass!