Top 10 Tuesday

When I was a kid I thought the life you were given was the life you had to live. In that logic, the bad choices you made when you were young and stupid stuck with you and molded you into someone who didn't deserve the things you wanted out of life. You already screwed it all, now you just have to learn to deal.

I used to say things like "I wish I was a runner" or "I wish I had learned to dance." But I've come to realize that the mistakes you made in the past don't have to make or break your future. Last year I had the runner's thought again, and a small voice in my head said - Well, why aren't you then? You can make yourself a runner, you know? Truth was, it hadn't occured to me until that moment that who we are can be defined by us. We can choose to become a runner, or a dancer, or a whatever...IF we're willing to put in the work it takes to achieve those goals. So I started running.

Anyone that doesn't know me in person would not be surprised by that last statement. But I weigh over 300 pounds and, more than that, I'm one of the most uncoordinated people you might meet. As a child I had a wild talent for tripping up and down the stairs, on solid flat ground, anywhere, really. It earned me my Girl Scouts camp nickname of Trippy. So when I say that I started running, you should be a little scared and slightly amused. (At least, that's what I'm hoping instead of the roar of laughter I hear in my head.)

Now I didn't set out to run a 5K, but I set out to learn how to run. The only thing I was really training for was a trip to NYC with a friend of mine. (And let me tell you, the training paid off in the miles I was able to walk around that island in 5 days!) I was injured more times than I can count (my doctor prescribed me 90 capsules of 800mg Ibuprofen, mostly I think as an encouragement to continue what I was trying to do and work through the pain) but I kept trying, kept going. I didn't run full speed, or even the entire 30 minutes allotted. Instead I did a program that told you to walk mostly, with little spurts of running thrown in now and again. Each week, the spurts would grow longer, until at the end of the program (which I never reached), you would be running the entire time, gearing yourself up for a 5k.

Well, the time has come for me to change again, or so I've decided. It's going to be a long and grueling process, but I need it. I don't want to be a different person, I just want to be a better version of myself. And I know that its possible, if I put my entire self into it, give up my excuses, and be honest with myself every step of the way. So today I start my process, not by listing 10 things I want to change about myself, but listing 10 things that I absolutely love about myself. I am going to attempt to leave the self-deprication and criticism behind. I am going to attempt to show myself the same love I might show someone else in my situation. I am going to attempt to be my own support and comfort. I'm wishing myself good luck!

Top 10 Things I Adore About Me

1. I am a determined person. If I want something, I go after it, and I work really, really hard at it when it means a lot to me. (This usually leads others to call me "crazy" or a "workaholic," by the way.)

2. I am real with myself and others. I don't say that I am going to do something unless I truly intend to make an attempt to that end.

3. I really do care about others. I cry when others cry, and laugh with them as well, and while I may get jealous from time to time, I really want nothing but the best for the people in and around my world.

4. I learn very quickly. Not only in school and work, but in life, I have the ability to observe and learn from myself and those around me.

5. I love my children with everything I have. My children are the light at the end of my tunnel and my life would be incomplete without them. I claim them as an accomplishment, because only a mother understands what it really means to be a mother, and the hard work and sacrifice it takes to do right by your children.

6. I can make people laugh...most times. I am usually the one at a party cracking jokes and finding the punchline at the end of a seemingly meaningless sentence. Humor was always my weapon and my shield, but lately it's also become a fun tool to use...a parlor trick.

7. I love to write, and I'm pretty damn good at it. I'm not perfect, and I still have a lot to learn, but I've been making up stories for a long time (got in trouble a lot as a kid for lying my ass off...didn't realize until later it was because I loved the fiction, the storytelling, of it) and I think I've got a knack for it.

8. My eyes are the most gorgeous and expressive part of my body. It seems shallow, but I really think my eyes are my most beautiful feature. I *love* eyes....windows to the soul and all that.

9. I'm a good mediator. My mother still asks for MY advice on things she's going through, the behavior of those around her and how that should be interpreted.

10. I'm open-minded and willing to change my mind if someone proves me wrong. I used to be too afraid of saying something wrong, which led me to say nothing at all, but nowadays I let myself have moments of brilliance along with moments of ignorance, and I forgive myself when I turn out to be wrong. I'm not too proud to admit my mistakes.

So there they are, my top 10 things I like about myself. Now I'd like it even more if I was able to not delete this post. Sometimes I fear that compliments to yourself edge on boasting and narcissism. I've been told that it's good to love yourself, though...so I'm working on that first.